While I was living in Germany, one thing really stood out to me that I have never really experienced in the United States: the sense of community. There, when someone says “drop by anytime,” they mean it and will be insulted if you never show up. Here, we make superficial invitations, accept them casually, but never would dream of actually following through. In the area where I lived, tea was served at 10, 4 and 8 and dropping in at these times was never an imposition.
I’ve been reflecting on this a lot recently, because I have been feeling painfully isolated. My husband works for the railroad, so is gone a lot. We live several hours from my family. And we really have never made any real friends since moving here. Acquaintances, yes, but no one I feel comfortable just calling out of the blue to chat with.
I’ve tried, but it really seems like I’m just in a different place than those with whom I should naturally connect. The homeschoolers in our church meet now and again, but they are looking for an evening out. That would be wonderful…but I am not going to hire a sitter just to go have a cup of coffee with the ladies from church. All of the social functions the women put together in our church presume a father who is home in the evenings. So I feel a little shut out.
And I would so desperately like for my children to really know what community means.
We have given her plenty of social opportunities. She is involved with Sparks at church and loves her karate class, where she even gets to teach the beginners once in awhile. She is a natural leader with a strong personality and this has given her a good means to develop her God-given talents. This year, she will be starting 4-H which will allow her to meet some children a little closer to home. And, of course, there are always the children in the neighborhood.
I would like to set up some volunteer work for her. There is a lot for her to learn serving others, but something seems strange about driving her into Lincoln in order to teach her some sort of lesson about Christian love. It seems so disconnected from how things are supposed to work. What I would really like is to know our neighbors well enough to teach my children about community service in our own community. I would like my daughter to learn to act when she hears that the lady down the street broke her hip rather than just say, “How awful!”
I would love for her to grow up knowing our neighbors, pulling weeds for them, walking their dogs and helping with simple chores here and there when they are out or need help for some reason. But no one is ever home. There are few things as still as a neighborhood in America during normal business hours, while “after hours” is an endless stream of rushing about to squeeze everything in.
How do you teach community when there appears to be so little community left?
This post is part of Back to Homeschool Week being hosted by I have to say…Check out some more posts on the topic by following the links she is collecting over there.
Principled Discovery is a place to stop and discuss news and information related to faith, family and particularly education. Pour yourself a cup of tea and join the conversation! 
i can imagine it would be hard in a place where you don’t have close family and perhaps not a church family yet.
It’s true. We really don’t experience community right where we live anymore, or maybe in some parts of the country people still do. Not here. I miss that at times too. So, yeah, we have to drive around to connect with our various communities. We’re fortunate that we have lots of family close by, and even when we don’t see them often we always stay connected. That helps.
I’m praying that you’ll find a way to connect with some of those other homeschool moms! Maybe if you forked out for the babysitter a few times, you’d build relationships that might help you out–maybe someone who’d have your daughter over on those nights? Or who has a relationship with an elderly neighbor who needs help?
My sis-in-law delivered Meals on Wheels for awhile with her girls, and I’ve always thought it was a great idea. But there’s always some reason why I don’t! Now, it’s “we’re moving.”
Jeanne
I just got field trip information in my email box today, so hopefully we’ll feel a little more connected. Last year, the times just never really worked out for us.
Wow. This was good for me to read. We live in this small town where everyone knows everyone and it is VERY “community” feeling. I guess I really take that for granted!
I hope you find a way to connect. Pray, CRY to God and then cling to HIM. This sounds like a real trial for you.
Home school moms need each other. I agree with one of the other comments, maybe spring to go out once or twice to get to know some moms, then invite them to your house.
I am so sorry you are going through a rough spot. We are in the EXACT same situation.
We grew up in California, got married, lived in a small town, and had so many friends, such a “community” it was awesome.
Then we moved to Oklahoma, we aren’t even close to having the same level of friendships or sense of community, it gets quite lonely at times.
I completely understand and appreciate the feelings that you have. My husband and I moved to a small town nearly seven years ago. My family lives three hours away, my friends are at least an hour away, and I have not connected with anyone within the town.
My husband is a police officer which prevents me from going to any social functions. I don’t know anyone well enough that I would have them watch the kids, and of course my husband is not home in the evening.
I find it difficult to cultivate relationships with other parents, because I often feel as though I am the odd man out. When we go to soccer games or school functions the vast majority of mothers know eachother. They gather around and talk about other people they know, they talk about going to high school together, they talk about all kinds of things I know nothing about. Many of them have lived here their whole lives and have some sort of shared history. I stand around smiling waiting for an opportunity to engage, but there is none.
When we first purchased our house we had elderly neighbors on both sides of us. They would often stop by and speak with us. Within 2 years they had passed away. We had hoped families would move in beside us, but the homes were sold and made into aparments. People come and go. Many are college students.
There are places in this world that still have “community”. My sister lived in such a neighborhood. They all knew eachother, had coffee every morning together while they watched the kids play in the yard. My sister was in an accident and the whole neighborhood pitched in and helped out. They made dinners, watched her kids, did her shopping for her. I was so jealous. Afterall, she was living in the city. Isn’t the city supposed to be cold and impersonal?
I hope someday we find our way back to the city.
I learned from my kids. My kids LOVE talking to people and have made friends in every store we frequent–we have a lot of little mom and pop shops here so that is easy. We also started taking baked goods to neighbors and the places we frequent which made friends where conversation was awkward. We used to run here and there and everywhere, now we make a point of knowing those we see regularly. It’s funny because I am very shy naturally so the Lord really changed my heart and attitude about it.
We have a neighborhood down the road that is like what you are talking about–no one home during the day and rushing here and there in the evenings. I can’t imagine.
(((Dana)))
I can certainly relate. We’ve been here nearly 4 yrs and I can count on one finger the number of people from our church who have invited us over in the last year. I had the same problem at our old house. I used to think it was because I didn’t want to sit around and “talk diapers” all day. I liked to mix my conversation with some theology and politics, etc. I decided that the only way I’d get female friends is by “dumbing” myself down. So I did. I stopped studying and reading anything more than magazine articles and books about parenting, etc, so I could relate to the women at church and in my community. It changed nothing (except my IQ, I guess). Here I am in the same situation. I think it must be my personality but I don’t know what it is specifically.
We invite and invite and invite. I call people every week from church but still nothing. Oh, they’re all too glad to join us at the park or to come over to my house and play, but they will never once call us and invite us somewhere.
It gets to the point where I don’t really want to go to church. Inevitably I’ll be talking to a group of women, the same women who always accept my invitations but never reciprocate, and they will mention some kids’ birthday party they all went to or some get together they do on a regular basis and go on and on about it as if, I feel, I’m not even there.
Last year a woman invited me to a craft get together she has during the summer. I went a few times and was so excited to have been invited, but no such invitation came this year.
Thanks so much for “allowing” me to air my grievances here. It’s actually helped me clear my mind so I can see what I really need to do.
I will be praying for you. I know the pain of loneliness and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
I also talked about community in my post, and I totally feel your sentiment.
I pray about these things, and pray that God would somehow use us whenever we are out there, but my flesh would often feel beat up and reminded that “we are different.” (On the other hand, our children seem to be a blessing wherever we go. People notice and make comments!)
I hope the right fellowship comes along…
Wow. I am reading this with tears in my eyes. I just finished my post for today, about basically the same thing. I wrote about my dd missing connections, but I feel it too. It’s comforting to hear all of your stories. I know we’ll get through it. It’s just going to take a whole lot of motivation and emotional output on my part — which will have to be by God’s grace, because I just don’t have it in me.
Wow. Thank you everyone for your kind words. I don’t want everyone to think I am all hopelessly depressed or anything. But we just got wind that there is the possibility of my husband being forced to Denver, so certain things are coming to the forefront in my little world.
My dad mentioned the other day when I was talking about this that this seems to be an issue in a lot of churches. We have a model of how the family should be and structure church activities around that. I had never thought of it that way (and it certainly isn’t true everywhere!).
Dana,
I don’t think about being in community much because I’m so content to be at home. However, if I didn’t experience it as much as I do I’m sure I’d really miss it.
Our society has become so fragmented. People are too busy to have company over. There are so many excuses; the house is messy, I’m tired, it’s too much work, etc. We need to lower our expectations of ourselves in this regard. Our houses don’t have to be mansions. If we are comfortable others will be too.
I wish you lived closer. I’d invite you over for tea.
You know, the house across the street from us just went on the market…I could really use you in our dull neighborhood! (Any chance of a transfer to Columbia, MO?)
Our friend and neighbor thinks one of our main problems these days are the lack of big front porches. Everyone can’t have a big enough patio or deck on the back of their house, but we’re leaving off the front porches….something to think about.
Great post, Dana! Something I have been reflecting on and planning a post about myself as I have been inspired by Brit’s exploration of my own community at large…before her move to Virginia of course.
Let me conitinue to formulate my thoughts and get back with you on this…but know that I do think that community is out their for us, we just might have to look a little deeper or a little harder or in a few unlikely places before we find it again, because as you point out America seems to be so busy!
Renae, I am content at home…but I do miss people dropping by and the ability to just call someone to chat or meet up at the zoo.
headmistress..I love that about the porches. Reminds me of an Australian folk song. The refrain goes,
“Give me a home among the gum trees,
with lots of plum trees,
A sheep or two, and a kangaroo,
A clothes line out the back,
veranda out the front
and an old rocking chair.”
You can hear it here. It is a great song.
I’m curious about your thoughts, Shawna, and look forward to reading them when you get to it!
Dana,
I didn’t mean to insinuate that you aren’t content at home. I am too content. I haven’t left our property this whole week except to go on a walk with a friend. We have a wonderful little community in our neighborhood. I’ll enjoy it while it lasts!
Thanks for the song! I’ve forgotten to peak in on your Australia studies.
Oh, Renae, you are funny. Or maybe I am for now wanting to apologize for insinuating you insinuated such a thing. : )
I don’t want y’all to think I’m like all depressed and languishing away at home, malcontented and striving for something else. I don’t really think about it all that much, but my hubby may be moving to Denver, this summer hasn’t brought any of our initial plans to fruition and right now I am frustrated.
In a few weeks, that will likely have all changed. Either hubby will be here and I won’t be worrying about it. Or he will be there and I will have gotten over the worry about it. Until I know, I will fret.
Makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it?
I can really relate to your experience, Dana. I thought it was just because I’m not German and the rest are. Part of it is definitely because our children don’t attend preschool and school like everyone else’s children, so I am out of that loop. I have one really nice neighbour (actually all my neighbours are nice, but don’t really mix with us) who will offer me coffee at the drop of a hat. Her son and my third son are best friends. But when I see all the neighbours behind us (they live in a new housing estate built behind our much older house about 2 years ago) getting together in the evenings then all that teenage angst of not fitting into anyone’s clique comes flooding back to me.
you wrote what my heart’s aching for years!
you can probably tell from my avatar or if you have read most of my posts that i am not from america & 4 years later i still feel like an alien here. i have a post titled SAHM that i wrote this week. check it out when you get a chance.
have a blessed weekend!