School is well underway for most of us, and we are far enough into the year to begin feeling behind. Stressed, we begin looking over the fence at the Jones’, where the grass is always greener and the children never whine. Meeting with other homeschoolers brings a mixture of encouragement and feelings of inadequacy as we begin to second guess those plans which looked so good on paper. If this describes you, you are off to a great start. After all, there is nothing mankind desires more or works harder for than misery. A brief survey of world literature reveals our fascination with sin, danger and tragedy. If we cannot experience it personally, we do so vicariously through what have become the classics. Even the quest for happiness robs our happiness in the end as Paul Watzlawick so aptly noted in his book, Anleitung zum Unglücklichsein (Guide to Unhappiness). To help you along the way to maximizing your unhappiness, I have written the following guide. Some of these steps may come naturally to you; others may require practice. With diligence, however, anyone can achieve the unhappiness they so earnestly desire.
1. Copy the public schools.
Buy desks, set them up in neat rows facing the front of the room and invest in a pointer. Even if you have only one child, make him raise his hand to answer questions. Schedule restroom breaks. Let the clock dictate your every move. Giving a toddler a megaphone is a good stand in for a disruptive PA system.
2. Choose your curriculum based on what everyone in your homeschool group is using.
Better yet, find a stranger online and ask her. Don’t consider your temperament or your child’s interests. After all, these other people have way more experience than you. Remind yourself of that continually when things are not going well.
3. Contact every curriculum publisher.
Make sure they have your correct address and get on as many mailing lists as possible. When you first get those glossy catalogs, you will think that this is having the opposite effect than what is intended here. The texture, the smell and all the neat stuff! But then you realize just how much stuff is out there. And how much stuff you do not have. There is always one more book and one more manipulative set to squeeze out of any budget. After all, you only have one chance to educate your children properly. Never let yourself become content with what you already have.
4. Make a clear distinction between school and life.
Do not consider the educational value of trips to the zoo, visits with grandparents and vacations. The more narrowly you define education, the more likely you are to avoid spontaneous “experiences” in favor of “the book.” This also helps maximize the stress of wondering if you are doing enough.
5. Take everything personally.
Everyone has a bad day now and again. Even children. Use this to its fullest potential by taking these opportunities to question your parenting. When your child says, “This is boring,” consider it a direct reflection on your character and personality. Think what it will be like when they talk to their bosses that way. Wonder what your homeschooling friends would say. Most importantly, try to isolate where you have gone wrong as a parent and fret over the permanent damage you must have caused.
This is intended only as a cursory introduction to maintaining general unhappiness in your homeschool. There are many other proven techniques for making yourself miserable and they all progress rather naturally to making those around you unhappy as well. For those of you who are more seasoned, or have just caught on quickly to the art of creating unhappiness, please feel free to add your own suggestions. I will add links to anyone who shares a proven technique for increasing the level of unhappiness in our homes. Even if it is not specific to homeschooling.
Misery loves company.
Two bloggers are so on top of things, they wrote their posts before me:
Yvonne of Grow Your Writing Business shares insight into how to kill your blog. (I’ll be adding my own thoughts to the meme this weekend.)Denise of Freelancing Journey lets you in on the secrets of failing at business.
Principled Discovery is a place to stop and discuss news and information related to faith, family and particularly education. Pour yourself a cup of tea and join the conversation! 
THAT… is wildly funny. The truly funny thing is how this list of 5 is a solid guide to be unhappy with most anything in life.
#5 guarantees unhappiness like no other.
Thanks, Matthew. I am happy to have aided you in the pursuit of unhappiness!
I’ll have to remember these.
Oh, my , goodness, absolutely hilarious, and too, too true. Of course, we out of sheer necessity for my oldest have a classroom set up but we only spend about an hour a day in thee. The rest of school is life.
I am not a homeschooler parent (yet) but i thought this was halarious because I could see myself having those tendancies… I already ask a million questions to every homeschool parent I meet
I already have a school room planned, (though there is no pointer, chalkboard or traditional desk (drafting tables ;)) So funny. Good to laugh at ourselves!
Other than number two, I am guilty of all listed so far in some way or another!
My children actually asked me when I was going to go buy the desks they needed for school. I said the kitchen table works just fine for me and we aren’t in “school” like that anymore.
Thank the Lord for His infinite wisdom and grace!
God bless,
Sallie
I’m with Matthew — this list could easily apply in a general way to unhappiness in life. Trying to keep up with others, copy others, compartmentalize segments of life (especially faith!), and taking everything personally are all things that will pretty much guarantee discontent. How easily we’re fooled!
Ah, Sallie, your children are grasping early. : )
Anne, most definitely. There is considerable crossover in the skills needed to be unhappy as a homeschooler and being unhappy in life.
OMGosh, you have no idea how much I needed this right now! You are a great satirist, Dana.
That is very kind of you to say, Shawna. And I’m glad to help!
And since no one else has stepped up, yet, I have one more:
Know thine enemy.
Read every alert HSLDA sends out. Skip over the positive stories and go straight to the ones where CPS has contacted a homeschooler. Subscribe to Google alerts and remain notified of every conflict between homeschoolers and the state. Begin to fear leaving the house during school hours and jump every time someone asks your children about school. If done probably, this can develop into a full-scale paranoia.
I need to print this and hand it out to the new homeschooling moms at our co-op. It is scary how clueless they are, having their kindergarten children doing school five hours a day! And they asked me how what I can suggest to get them to stop crying! They didn’t like my answer to read Gatto and have a big bonfire for most of the curriculum they bought!
Ooh! A case study! It is amazing how effectively we can set ourselves up for failure and then be shocked when we achieve it.
I think it is hardest when you are new because all you know is the “system.” At least that is what I attribute my first year to.
Love it! I am guilty as charged. Thanks for the reminders.
Happy Homeschooling to you!
I’ll help bring on the unhappiness:
1. Allow yourself to be wracked with guilt. Yes, everytime you see a group of school children happily playing at recess, having band practice, or putting on a school play, tell yourself, “I’ve deprived my children!” Every time a stranger (or family member) raises her eyebrows when you say you are homeschooling, soak in the condemnation they are surely shooting your way. Oh, and you haven’t “done school” all week? Guilty!!
2. Never be flexible. No, I’m sorry Susie, my plan book says we are doing pages 5-6 in Spelling today, you may NOT write a letter to your Grandma instead. Johnny, you were supposed to be done with that science project yesterday - sorry, gotta move on, you need be finished.
I think that would do it, too, Jennifer!
Focus on Areas Needing Improvement
Whenever possible, evaluate everything you or your child are not doing and lament over the gaps in his education. It is best if this is the first thought you have in the morning, so, if you think it would help, write yourself a little note and stick it on the bathroom mirror. Maybe put one on the fridge. And tape a big one onto the window in front of the kitchen sink, for good measure. Don’t acknowledge your child’s strengths or any areas where he has improved. After all, encouragement might cause the weaknesses to, er, get weaker.
Great post! Thank you for posting the link in your comment on my blog.
Great addition! Thank you and I’m glad you enjoyed it. I always feel weird leaving links on a new blog because I don’t want people to think I’m spamming them but I also thought you might need the slightly different perspective. : )
Enjoying your blog!
Oh this is sounding like the road I have gone down!!! AGH! I laughed at it but then realized how often I do these very things and not just in “schooling” but in training my kids. I guess I’m a literalist. I tend to be black and white and to the letter. UGH! Bleck! Now I know I’m needing to lighten up!
Thanks for the laugh but the reminder as well. You know, I might just have to have a midwinter bonfire of our books! Just kidding, they aren’t all bad but I can definately get by with much less.
Bethany
Thanks, Bethany. And don’t feel bad…these are common issues for everyone. After all, I largely wrote from my own experience!