What is a helicopter parent you may ask? The College Board, a “not-for profit association whose mission is to connect students to college success and opportunity,” thinks you know exactly whom they are talking about.
You’ve heard of them. They’re in constant contact with their children and make most of the big decisions for them. And when things get tough, they’re all too ready to take their children’s side and fight their battles for them. Are You a Helicopter Parent?
They even have provided a nifty self-quiz so that you can determine whether you fit the bill. I would like the world to know that even though I am a conservative, evangelical Christian homeschooler, the College Board has officially approved of my level of parental involvement.
Stay the Course: Your level of involvement seems to indicate a balance between your child’s responsibilities and decisions, and your advice and guidance.
Now that that is off my chest, I would like to look at each of the questions. Are you a “helicopter parent?” And does this test effectively discern the difference between involvement and control?
1. Do you search college websites for your child?
I have searched a few college websites, although my daughter is only in the third grade. And I will probably continue to do so. This question is a little tricky, because it depends largely on how strictly you interpret it. My children will be responsible for doing a lot of their own research when it comes time to look at colleges and mom will not be pouring over sites answering their questions. On the other hand, that does not mean that I will not search through some websites and let my children know what I find.
2. Do you have a strong influence over the high school courses your child takes?
Since we homeschool, this sort of goes without saying. I could have absolute control, if I wanted it, but I don’t. That is actually antithetical to what we are attempting to do in raising independent and responsible adults. At the same time, however, I plan to take as much control as necessary. Consider the following scenario:
- My fictitious Junior comes home with a schedule consisting entirely of P.E., study halls and home ec.
I would call a meeting with the counselor and march my fictitious Junior in for a little heart-to-heart about his or her fictitious future.
The influence I exert over my children will be in accordance with how much influence they need to make good decisions.
3. Do you play the lead role in planning and scheduling your child’s activities?
No, but I cannot help but qualify the statement. I would if I had to. Meaning that I have no plans to restrict who my children can befriend or what kinds of activities they can engage in unless a problem arises. That does not mean that they can only associate with those who pass a strict five point evaluation in religion and etiquette and can only meet at approved church functions, but it does mean that I plan on knowing who thy are with and what they are doing.
4. Are you planning to prepare your child for campus interviews?
Absolutely. I would consider myself to have failed in some measure as a parent and home educator if I failed to prepare my children for these interviews. I may even have my children dress up for our mock interviews.
5. Do you plan on directly contacting faculty, coaches, or other individuals at the collegs your child is interested in?
No. But since you can answer no to every other question and still be considered a helicopter parent if you answer yes to this one, it bears extra consideration. A college student is an adult and needs to have the opportunity to make these decisions, even if it means mistakes will be made. On the other hand, if the parent is footing the bill, s/he has every right to know where the money is going. You can’t take money from the state without the state having some control over where it goes and how it is spent. The same is true when the benefactor is a close relative.
6. Do you review the publications and other materials colleges send to your child?
Yes. I expect any involved parent would sit down and go through these materials with their child. I will not read them for the purpose of screening the materials or pre-digesting them for my children. But I expect I will be excited and curious about this new endeavor and will want to look through the glossy brochures as well. Besides, they might have questions.
7. Are you planning to write your child’s application essays or fill out his or her college applications?
No. This is another question which, if answered yes, automatically qualifies you as a helicopter parent. And I agree. By all means, answer questions, proofread and give feedback, but if your child cannot complete this step, s/he is not ready for college.
8. Do you meet with the high school counselor about college plans without your child present?
I am not sure how to answer as a homeschooler. Do my husband and I have conversations about college without involving the children? Yes. But would I see a school counselor about college without my child? Likely not, but there might be circumstances in which I would. But again, that would be where I had concerns about my child and I was seeking assistance.
9. Do you discuss with friends or relatives colleges that might be a good fit for your child?
Yes. And I expect the subject will come up more as my children grow I don’t see how this significant milestone in my children’s lives will go undiscussed in a variety of circles.
10. Have you helped your child find a job or discussed his or her future career possibilities?
Yes. How could you not, especially as a homeschooling parent? As my children grow, we will gain the additional burden of helping them open as many opportunities in their chosen field as possible. We will help them look at their interests and assist them in finding resources, volunteer opportunities and maybe even jobs in related fields to aid them in making wise decisions regarding their own futures.
11. Have you discussed with your child which colleges you can afford and how your family will pay for them?
Not yet, but it will come up. There are definite financial limitations on what schools my children may attend. And they will be expected to contribute. That narrows the field considerably unless they land some pretty nice scholarships.
12. Do you encourage your child to apply to certain schools or add schools to your child’s list for consideration?
I am sure I will. It is a natural part of the ongoing discussion I am sure will take place over the high school years.
To be fair to the test, it actually is a sort of guide which not only alerts you of potential “helicopter parenting,” but also of not providing enough guidance. While answering “no” to too many things lets you know that your child “might benefit from more assistance,” however, answering “yes” can prompt an actual warning. The brief introduction to the quiz warns of the harmful effects of too much control. And the title, combined with this introduction leads one to believe that any one of these parental behaviors is a result of a questionable amount of control being taken over the child. Some if these behaviors, however, are simply expressions of good parenting.
Take the test and let me know how you scored…and whether you agree with the score.
Hat Tip: Historical/Present, who also has some interesting thoughts to share on this quiz.
[tags]homeschooling, helicopter parent, education, college, higher ed[/tags]
Stopped in to read this post more thoroughly and all your posts were missing–I fixed it–the “Dofollow” plugin was breaking the database. I wouldn’t try to use that one–old plugins can do bad things to newer databases and installs.
I was told to stay the course. So glad they approve of my parenting skills.
I was told to get more involved. The test is skewed toward a college bound student, Marissa is probably not college bound. I have not prepared her for college interviews; we spend our day teaching her interpersonal communication, menu planning, grocery shopping, home safety, money management, etc.
Our state’s standard is that 80% of high school students be college bound. When I began homeschooling, I searched for curriculum ideas for non-college bound students. I did find Casey’s Life Skills very helpful, but overall there is a dearth of information on helping a non-college bound student succeed.
Only a minority of high school students are “non-college-bound” and go directly into the work force. These students are seen as ill prepared to be workers in an economy which values high-skilled workers. It seems we have forgotten that there are people who are not gifted academically and need another option. I wonder if the reason we began noticing the children with autism, fetal alcohol syndrome and dyslexia is more related to the fact that our “new economy” does not make room for these individuals ~
I came out as a “Possible Helicopter Parent”.
The yes/no of the quiz doesn’t give much room for accuracy, because some questions shouldn’t have an either/or answer. Of course we discuss options and prepare for the future, but that does not mean that my dh and I actually make the decisions for the child.
We have graduated one so far, and he knew what he was going to do when he was 15. All we did from that point on was ‘coach’.
I have not contacted any faculty members and have no plans to do so, but it is conceivable that a parent could help a student investigate a program or department by talking to a few faculty members, and I see nothing wrong with that. My son is a traditional musician who plays various acoustic instruments in old time styles. He is thinking of majoring in music, but I have been finding out that, for the most part, music students at college must train as classical musicians. He has been wondering about the possibility of studying musicology or music theory. Would he still need to declare an instrument, maybe his voice, to study music in an academic setting? If he wants to go this route, should he try to return to piano lessons for the next year? There are a lot of questions associated with this unusual situation, but if I were to try to get more information about his options at various schools by contacting music professors, the obvious people to ask, I would apparently be considered an interfering, troublesome nuisance. My son’s many activities, musical and otherwise, mean he is almost never home at a time when he could make these calls himself.
Stay the Course: Your level of involvement seems to indicate a balance between your child’s responsibilities and decisions, and your advice and guidance.
I answered based upon my two older public schooled boys, David will probably be handled the same way just with a home education.
Yes, we talk and look at things but our kids are responsible for making their decisions and applying… and for making sure it is within our financial budget…otherwise they must find a way to fund the experience.
Thanks, Heather! That would not have been nice to come see my blog void of posts. I have some questions for you, but I guess it would probably be better to email you later this evening when I have time to think about.
Sunniemom, is that like a “borderline parenting disorder?” : ) I agree that the either or set up is sort of problematic. I can see the intent, but I can also see situations where a parent could take these measures and not be guilty of control. It is a matter of interpretation.
Julie, you make an interesting point. Worthy of a post of its own, but there is an assumption that we need the college “experience” or that it is required to get a “good” job. That is all a matter of personal choice, preference and ability, however. Sometimes it is a badge of honor among parents.
Too involved is no good.
Not involved is no good.
As in everything, one must find a healthy balance. The problem is this: who defines what is healthy, and who defines what is too much or too little involvement?
Great post and one that you beat me to writing (LOL)
Yeah! I beat Judy…wait, this isn’t a competition, is it?
Balance is key, and I think we all know what kind of parent they are trying to warn with this quiz. But I also cannot help but wonder if anyone who worries about that sort of thing enough to be taking online quizzes would fit the description. If you are worried about finding a balance than you are probably a normal parent who wants to give your child the best but worries about letting go, too. That isn’t anything to get worked up about or have criticized in conferences.
Well that was interesting. I was told to get more involved, but since none of my children are old enough to consider college yet (and the financial arrangements are different here in the UK – at the moment) some of the questions weren’t relevant.
But it resonated with a conversation at the weekend, when I was accused of being overprotective of my children (when I said that I wouldn’t leave my 8 year old son alone in the house while I went out), and therefore was damaging his future independence of me. I think (as others have said) that the extent to which a child needs adult help, coaching or overseeing depends on the child …
I’d hate to be thought of as a helicopter parent (or pushy parent, as the phrase is here)
Yeah, I sort of answered based on what I would do if my children were older. And alone at eight? I wouldn’t do that, either. Laws here don’t deal with age, exactly, but I know some guidelines that state a child 7 or under should never be left alone and a child 8 or 9 should only be left alone for two hours or less. Most state “reasonable” which is obviously open to interpretation.
But that has a lot to do with age, maturity and where you live. And whether there is a trusted adult close by for the child to go to if needed!
I can’t see how you could possibly damage a child’s future independence by not leaving them alone at that young of an age!
btw, we tend to say “pushy” or “overprotective” parent, as well. “Helicopter parent” is a relatively new term to enter the lexicon.
Being a parent is really hard. Education is very essential to our children. And parents should be there always for their children and support them (to be a simple “coach” whenever the need arise).
I took this quiz with my mom and it said that she should “stay the course” with her involvement. I’m in high school right now so many of the questions were very relevant to me. Upon reading the questions though, I began to think that in the case of college selection maybe an overinvolved parent might be better than an underinvolved on. If a kid like me had absolutely no guidance at all from adults, I think that it would be very hard to make an informed college choice. Another good article able parental involvement is http://www.onteenstoday.com/2008/06/19/10-qualities-of-teacup-parenting-is-your-kid-too-fragile/ , a website where they try to give teen insight into parenting.