Christine, aka The Thinking Mother made a good point on my post looking at how our virtual lives affect our personal lives.
Discussing the affect on children and teens doing role playing games or regular video games is very different than discussing adults who were socialized before the big video game craze and before the Internet entered our lives.
She also made some interesting observations about how people today “socialize” digitally even while together with other people.
But then, I grew up in a somewhat digital household. Some of my earliest memories are of playing Pong with my dad on an old Atari. The first warning put out against video games actually occurred because of that game. After too many hours of play, the white paddles would burn into the television set, causing ghostly white lines to remain forever on the screen. And I loved going with him to his part time job fixing arcade games where he opened up the faces and showed me how to make the machine think I had inserted a quarter. I played for hours while he worked. Sometimes he brought his work home with him and I played more games of Centipede and Galaga than I could possibly count. I owned a copy of Pac-Man Fever and had the whole album memorized.
In fact, the first thing my husband and I had in common was something we received for Christmas long before we met:
And we both played it to death.
But the research initially discussed dealt with having people interacting through a digital avatar and measuring how people behaved based on the kind of avatar they used. And, like I mentioned then, the most disturbing thing to me was not that there were measurable changes in behavior off-line, but that the people did not even recognize the changes nor how they had been manipulated. What they saw was perceived as real.
For me, the difference is not so much in how I was raised as opposed to how the people in the experiment may have been raised. I do not project myself as anything other than what I am online. I am not trying to create an identity, and I am not assuming a previously conceived one, either as part of an experiment or as part of a role playing game.
I am who I am…but then again, I’m not. Thinking about my online identity and who I “really” am has forced me to think through a lot of issues that might not at first seem related, but it has acted as a catalyst for some thoughts on my faith, my political viewpoints and my personality. But mostly on my faith.
When I first discussed this issue with Renae of Life Nurturing Education via the Bible Principles Group’s weekly chat, I mentioned that the biggest thing I noticed was that I am not afraid of controversy online. In person? I am kind of quiet. Reserved. I watch for a long time before I will enter a discussion, even if the people I am listening to obviously agree with me. I am more measured, am more likely to qualify my opinions and couch them in phrases like, “well I believe” and “for me personally.”
But is that me really? Am I really that quiet and shy and reserved? My friends in high school and college would laugh to hear me say something like that. After all, I am the one who took on all twenty two of my classmates in a class debate about whether President Wilson was one of the best or one of the worst presidents in history. I was alone in wanting to put him near the bottom. Someone in my biology class paid me to “just shut up already” and my biology teacher had an odd way of looking at me while passing back tests because I vociferously argued every missed question. I was on the speech team and favored discussion and debate. I actually competed at the state and national levels.
Shyness was not a fault with me. In fact, online I am very much like I was “back then.” Why did I change? Some of it is just maturity. In school, I liked controversy for the sake of controversy. It wasn’t so much about standing up for what I believed in. The only reason I carried a bible was because I knew I wasn’t supposed to. It wasn’t like I actually believed anything that was in it. But it was still conceivable that I would show up to class without a text book, but never would I be without my little bible tucked in my purse. As I noted in my Life Before Homeschooling post for Home Education Week, I loved the nonconformity of being a conservative in a liberal environment and I thrived on the adrenaline.
So yeah. I’ve grown up a little. But there is more to it than that.
When I became a Christian, I did not have very good bible teaching. I attended church sporadically because of my schedule. Fred Phelps was very active on my campus and cast everything remotely Christian in the shadow of his presence. The single most memorable event in college was trying to get to the student union during Gay Pride Week. He staged a protest and I had to walk the gauntlet between the two groups, bombarded with signs saying, “God hates f*gs” and so-called Christians screaming hateful things and trying to shout down the speakers for the event.
I was horrified, but did not know enough to realize that what these people were doing was not Christian. So I did not identify myself publicly as a Christian because to do so meant I was involved with that. Instead, I was silent.
As I grew in Christ, however, I continued to lack for decent teaching. Or I continued to be a poor student. Both are probably accurate. At any rate, I began conforming more to my own stereotypes of what it meant to be a Christian woman. Maybe it was the Mennonite in me. (My great grandmother was raised Amish and the church I came to Christ in was actually Mennonite.) But I looked to home and family and garden and tried to live out this nice little visage of Christianity. It didn’t work very well and I wasn’t feeling very fulfilled. In fact, I was getting rather nasty to be around because I felt like a caged animal continually pacing within the confines of the prison I had constructed for myself.
But the real issue lay a little deeper. I would look at women whose hand-quilted pillows sat perfectly arranged on the sofa they had upholstered themselves and think that is how I should be occupying my time. That is what a good Christian woman does…keeps house. Crochet. Knit. Quilt. Can. Garden. Restore 19th century furniture. She does things. Material things which have value and beauty in this world. I would spend a couple of hours in the evening writing either in a notebook or on some forum and at the end of it think, “What do I have to show for it?” I had simply wasted my time.
I am not sure exactly when it happened…sometime while I was researching the Principle Approach…but at some point, I realized why it was that I was so miserable. It wasn’t Christianity that had caged me, but my own presuppositions. And the fact that at some time I had picked up the idea that material pursuits were superior to intellectual pursuits, at least for a woman.
The problem is, I love reading and writing and discussing and debating. I do not have that kind of passion for material pursuits. I have nothing but respect for those who do. I recognize in some of their zeal the same passion I have for researching and for writing. They have a true gift and it is beautiful to see it find expression in what they create from their hands.
But as my garden limps along and my knitted baby blanket actually turned out to be a trapezoid, I have to recognize that God gave me some talents as well. To bury them and pursue some other endeavor because I so highly respect those who do it well is not what He has planned for me. I hadn’t been wasting my time. I just had not assessed a proper value to the activities I was engaged in.
I may have realized this online, but I still need to work on it a little in person: It is OK to have an opinion.
And for you retro types, have a hand at Ms. Pac Man. Since she brought my husband and I closer together and all.
Photo Credits:
Pong screen shot
Mini Ms. Pac Man game
National Forensic League Pin
Protester
Amish
Principled Discovery is a place to stop and discuss news and information related to faith, family and particularly education. Pour yourself a cup of tea and join the conversation! 
Hee, hee, hee…a trapezoid! HA! You’re killing me.
Wonderful post! I’m still trying to figure out who I am on-line. I tend to be too controversial in real life. I am passionate about theology and most folks look at me with a blank stare.
I’ve kept my blog chit-chatty since I cannot even have a theology discussion with my Dad (a pentecostal minister) without having an argument. I so know that caged feeling. Thank you for being transparent. You are an inspiration to those around you.
I am who I am in my blogs… frankness, forthrightness is somewhat of a fault in me LOL BUT, when I first became a part of the internet world through mommy message boards, I was very reserved and careful of how and what I said–for a long time.
As for who I am today… still working on it
And btw, LOVED Ms. Pac Man!
Riveting post that despite a lot of noise at school right now, I had to read. I had no tech background but am also a Mennonite.
If I’d tried to do that, it would have ended up a square. Maybe next time that will be my strategy.
Dana, I think I am much more willing to say something controversial on my blog because I know that if someone doesn’t like what I say they have the choice not to read it. One day someone clicked into one of my more controversial posts 23 times. I know it was the same person because the search engine term was unique. Anyway, I wondered why they clicked so many time. Every single time he (or she) linked in, it is going to say the exact same thing. And, “Yes, I really did say that.”
I would have been on your side on the Wilson thing. It appears that every single president that we are taught in public school is one of the best are the ones who increased the centralization of power in Washington DC. Wilson’s Federal Reserves Bank and the income tax certainly gave power to the federal government that never existed in the minds of the founding fathers. Looking into some of what Lincoln did and his motives for freeing the slaves will knock him off his pedestal too. The problem with how we learn history is that we are taught that historical figures are either totally good or totally bad. Real people have good qualities and bad qualites mixed into an odd whole.
The only game I ever got into was Centipede.
Thank you, everyone. It is interesting to look at what you choose to share online. It is who I am…but of course there are many things I choose not to share.
I laughed when I saw Pong. One day I was telling my son about my video game experiences. I found Pong for him to play. He couldn’t believe I actually played that game for more than 2 1/2 minutes!
Also, I remember my visions of what a good wife was. The first morning I overslept and didn’t prepare breakfast for my husband before he left for work, I felt guilty. When I discovered he didn’t mind, I never made breakfast again.
Not really, but it did shatter some of my silly notions.
I have slowly grown out of some of my ideas of where my worth comes from, and what a Christian wife looks like. You mentioned the cages we construct for ourselves. I have been in that cage, and I continue to remind myself that it was not constructed by God.
Continue to walk in your giftings! Many are blessed by your pursuit.
A lovely and honest post. Well done.
Ruth
I was raised Mennonite too. I was raised very strict Mennonite! My maiden name is Swartzendruber. Does that help you see how Mennonite I am? lOL I have now left the Mennonites and attend a Baptist church but the Mennonite lives strong in me.
I too go back and forth between what is important and what isnt, who am I and who I am not. But because the Mennonite blood and the mennonite ways flow through me I contemplate all of this while I bake the bread and knot the comforters. Hands on work is highy esteemed. Following intellectual pursuits doenst always meet with approval.
Just when I think that I have left my Mennonite ways behind and finally embracd the 21st century I will say something that I think sounds intellectual and someone will look at me strangely and say, “You still have so much Mennonite in you.” Thats how they dismiss what I have to say and that’s how at 48 years old Im not sure who I really am.
In spite of that my blog is me to the very core. I dont pretend a thing. But even though my blog is me the question still remains, “Who is Me?”
Dana what a great post. Glad that something I said sparked you to think and write what then came to your mind.
There was an arcade that opened up near my house when I was 13 or 14. I spent all my babysitting money on the arcade games. The money ran out quickly so most of that time was socializing. If I had a game unit at home like my kids have now (we recently caved in and got a unit) then I may have been a total addict.
A few months ago while at Disney we went to, oh what is it called, I’m totally forgetting–it is a place that has all arcade games and they are free after you pay your admission (mine was covered in my park hopper pass). I felt I went back in time when I got to play Centipede and Robotron and Pac Man and all those OLD games. And unlimited for free. I was literally laughing out loud while doing it. I couldn’t indulge too much as the place was noisy and I had to keep an eye on my kids though. LOL.
That was very well written, I wish I could write that well. Was it Socrates who said something about examining our life.. I’ll have to look it up now.
My DH calls me the closet rebel. In high school I was disgusted at one teacher’s constant put-downs on the female intelligence and said he was discriminating out loud one day lol. So he gave me a ‘quiz’ and asked me about sports terms, which I got the majority correct.
I felt the adrenaline, but didn’t really want to do that again, even though it was nice to hear the gasps and wows lol.
One of my high school math teachers was fond of saying things like,
“You’re a girl? Why should I waste time on you?” when a girl would raise her hand to ask a question.
Or,
“See? It is always a girl slowing us down.”
Along with the normal “Women belong at home barefoot and pregnant.”
The funny thing was, I think I was the only one in the class who kind of liked him. He got the girls so riled up, they studied more and beat the boys on the test scores. I never took him seriously and I doubt he meant to be.
Thanks for the kind words.
It is funny how that stuff brings back memories. I showed my daughter pong today and added it to her bookmarks so she could play it when she gets computer time. She was fascinated with something her mom used to play and I can’t for the life of me think why I enjoyed sitting there playing it.
Hey Dana,
Great post!
Thanks for stopping by. My interview went pretty well even though I was barely awake. LOL. As for the eBook, it has done better than I ever hoped, although I am not really marketing it agressively. We are getting ready to launch our “girl” version of it and hope that will be a little bit more of that passive income too. Shoot, I should have just emailed you since this has NOTHING to do with your post.
Keep on writing! I’d love to hear about your project.
Nancy
That is ok. I accept comments from people interacting with my post, other comments or with me personally. So that qualifies!
That is so exciting! My project isn’t such a big deal, but it has been a lot of work so I’m looking around to see what kind of options are available for it or for future ones. Still debating if I want to make the first one free just so I have something as a demonstration.
Really great post, Dana. Online communication and relational issues are so interesting to me. I’m just beginning to ask myself the question of what the effect has been of my blog on my “real” life. (It’s been one year already since I started blogging, I can’t believe it.) And is my blog communication any less “real” than my face-to-face communications? In a lot of ways, my true nature is more apparent online than in person, if you can believe that! And I’ve had the opportunity to understand more of who I am as I try to express it in words, something I may not otherwise have done.
I have been thinking about this post alot lately. When I first started posting on a homeschool forum, I ‘used’ it to learn tact and diplomacy- two things I was severely lacking IRL. I figured I could experiment on strangers, and no harm done.
Then I realized that I was talking more about the things that I really cared about online, more than IRL. I think because of time constraints in most IRL interactions, I didn’t start a discussion I felt I couldn’t finish. There is also that element of not offending someone with whom you need to get along to maintain peace in your group or family or church.
I am no less ‘myself’ online than IRL, but I do show more of that side of me that cares about education and politics and parenting.
One of the reasons that I have been thinking about this is that I am relatively anonymous on the internet. I am debating whether or not to start using my real name on forums and my blog, as well as revealing more about my geographical location. My concern is that my life is not just about me- it might affect my dh and my kids, my mom, my friends, and my church in ways I cannot anticipate, so I am just letting the idea roll around in my head until I get some sense of peace about it. So my online life and my ‘real’ life are very separate right now.
BTW, my game weakness was Tempest. My gf and I used to go to Ted & Ed’s bowling alley, and I’d play until I ran out of quarters.