kicking about in a T-shirt with “I’m living proof my mum is easy” slapped on the front. Even if he does have four siblings, it does not seem to be the place for opening that kind of cultural dialogue. After all, what is a T-shirt slogan, if not a sort of pre-Twitter medium for expressing your message quickly, succinctly and to a broad audience?

Katherine Hamnett, whose T-shirts The Guardian credits with becoming the cultural signposts of our times, says of the medium:

“I wanted to put a really large message on T-shirts that could be read from 20 or 30ft away,” she says now. “Slogans work on so many different levels; they’re almost subliminal. They’re also a way of people aligning themselves to a cause. They’re tribal. Wearing one is like branding yourself.” The Guardian

Aligning yourself to a cause. Connecting yourself to other people. Branding yourself. You have five seconds and the passing eye of a distracted stranger.

From: Despair, Inc.

What do you want to tell the world about your cause and yourself?

Maybe “The Condom Broke”?  Or “I’m a t*** man.”  (Without the asterisks, of course.)  Or how about “I’m bringing sexy back”?  On an infant!

Julee Gale, director of Kids Free 2b Kids, bought some items at Cotton On Kids (I presume for education purposes) and is outraged by the messages carried by these shirts that may be conveyed to young people.

“I reckon there should be a penalty and there needs to be an awareness campaign with retailers about what’s appropriate and what’s actually harmful,” she said.

“They don’t get that it’s . . . harmful. It’s all part of a continuum of sexualisation of kids. It’s about the mental health of our children.” Herald Sun

But is it really the retailers that need education? What if, in response to this collection, Australia decides to regulate the messages that can be printed on t-shirts marketed to or for youth? Would anything really change? The items on the rack at your local department store are, after all, an effect of the culture we live in, not the cause of it. Certainly there is a bit of a circular relationship between marketers and the market, especially when the marketers are successful in attaching their products to other things already sought after (think High School Musical merchandising!).

But a T-shirt slogan? For this collection to become a colossal flop would speak loudly and clearly to Cotton On and other clothing manufacturers and retailers about the inappropriateness of both the message and the medium. Rallying family groups? Not so long as the collection is turning a profit.

The collection bothers me. That product designers, marketing directors and retailers wanted to design, advertise and sell this collection bothers me.

But really it is the fact that there are parents who are willing to buy them that bothers me most. Your child is not your vehicle for sexual-expression.

t-shirt Cotton On Cotton On Kids

The debate about breast-feeding takes place without any reference to its actual context in women’s lives. Breast-feeding exclusively is not like taking a prenatal vitamin. It is a serious time commitment that pretty much guarantees that you will not work in any meaningful way. Let’s say a baby feeds seven times a day and then a couple more times at night. That’s nine times for about a half hour each, which adds up to more than half of a working day, every day, for at least six months. This is why, when people say that breast-feeding is “free,” I want to hit them with a two-by-four. It’s only free if a woman’s time is worth nothing.

It is a serious time commitment.  So is having a child.  A child is not like having a cute little bunny you can play with at your convenience and then place back in its cage until the next time you feel like playing.  Having a child is a lifelong commitment which comes with a 24 hour a day on-call status.  I don’t say that to imply that motherhood absolutely means the end of work, that you have to stay home with your child, that you have to breast-feed and that your child can never see the inside of a daycare (or school) in order to be a “good” mother.

It’s just that when you choose to have a child, you give up some of that ability to view every debate and every decision in the context of your life, your desires, your goals.  Some little child is suddenly dependent on you to make decisions on his or her behalf in the context of his or her life.

And just what exactly does it mean to “work in any meaningful way?”  Full time (or more) at the beck and call of…your boss, your customers, your editor, your anyone-besides-your-family-whose-requests-are-somehow-meaningful-because-a-paycheck-is-attached?  Of course a woman’s time is not “worth nothing.”  To me, it is worth far more than anyone could pay.  Rather than without value, my time invested in my children is invaluable.

Yes, I believe breast-feeding is better.  I believe staying home with your children is better.  I believe homeschooling is better.  If I didn’t believe these things, I wouldn’t do them.  They aren’t always the easiest choices . . . and I haven’t even always believed they were better.  But believing they are better does not have to translate into looking down on those who make different choices, either because of their particular situations or simply because of their desires and goals.

But if Rosin does not agree, has different goals, finds that breast-feeding is not fitting in with the life she and her husband have built, that is just fine.  Bottle feeding number three is not likely to condemn him or her to a lifetime of poor grades, poor health and poor skin tone.  The whole “Breast is Best” thing should be about encouraging and supporting women who breast-feed and, more importantly, helping to build a culture more accepting of breast-feeding.  Meaning that when the American Academy of Pediatrics says breast-feed exclusively for the first six months, it shouldn’t be passed around in such a way to make women who aren’t breast-feeding feel guilty, but to encourage businesses to make more creative arrangements for women with young babies.  If Burger King could do it for me, I’m sure other workplaces can as well.  Ideally, such campaigns would also raise public awareness to the point that a woman doesn’t feel overly uncomfortable or feel the heat of judgmental glances if she needs to nurse an infant in public.

I, too, disagree with the approaches of those who might be labeled “breast-feeding fascists.”  But then, I can’t look at my four week old little boy contentedly nursing as I compose blog posts in the evening and reconcile that with Rosin’s epiphany:

In Betty Friedan’s day, feminists felt shackled to domesticity by the unreasonably high bar for housework, the endless dusting and shopping and pushing the Hoover around . . . it was not the vacuum that was keeping me and my 21st-century sisters down, but another sucking sound.

Maybe the whole issue is a little too close to me right now, but I can’t look at my children as something holding me down.  And that sucking sound?  Contrary to the vacuum, it seems to me like the very sound of completeness and wholeness in this world.

parenting breast-feeding nursing mommy wars

So a lot of children were dropped off who didn’t fit the “newborn” status that lawmakers had intended.  Like the nine children aged one to seventeen dropped off by a man who lost his wife a year previously.  Or even the eighteen year old who turned himself in to a hospital.  We’ve even had some come from other states to absolve themselves of their parenting duties, prompting children and family services director for Health and Human Services, Todd Landry,  to quip,

“This is not what we intended when we said we wanted to increase Nebraska tourism.” Omaha World Herald

So the governor called a special session of the legislature to try to hammer down an age-limit.  Senator Ernie Chambers apparently attempted a one-man filibuster, something he is rather notorious for around here.  And yes, that would be the Senator Chambers who sued God, a lawsuit he is apparently considering pursuing even though it was thrown out of court.

The whole situation is upsetting, but I think we may be asking the wrong questions from all sides of the debate.  Many are looking at these parents and wondering “What kind of parent…”  But I wonder why the shock and judgment is saved for those who abandon teenagers.  And as much as it pains me to think what it must be like for those children to be dropped off at an area hospital, I cannot help but wonder what life was like at home with parents who were, for whatever reason, in a situation they no longer felt they could handle.

And what might have happened if they were forced to continue without some sort of support.

Julie of Shanan Trail makes an interesting point in Why Homeschool’s comment box:

When I read the stories of these teenagers (most of whom were dropped off because of behavioral problems — I know at least one has fetal alcohol syndrome) my heart breaks. I think it is terrible for a parent to walk out on their struggling kids. But, the tale is no less sad or tragic when it happens to an infant. Because here is the truth… that infant is going to become an adult adoptee. No one should have their story be that their mother dropped them of anonymously at a hospital somewhere and walked away. And, for the mother… abandonment is a permanent solution to a problem that may well have other solutions. She may be able to parent the child herself and just need help in finding resources. She may feel she needs to place the child for adoption. When a mother places a child for adoption, she is supposed to receive counseling and support. She may opt to create an adoption plan that allows her to have continued contact with a child. For sure the adoptee will have access to more information about his or her past.

I am not sure what I think about safe haven laws in general, but I do think that we are looking at the wrong thing when we begin to focus on the age-limit.  Regardless of the age, we are talking about families in crisis that are in need of intensive support.  And safe haven laws may not work to save the babies they are directed at, anyway.

Sen. DiAnna Schimek of Lincoln cited studies in states with safe haven laws showing that, after passage of the law, as many infants have been left to die as have been left in safe havens.  Omaha World Herald

Murder cannot be prevented by simply providing “another way out.”  There have always been choices other than murder.  I doubt it can be solved by throwing more money at it, or by lessening the stigma associated with teen pregnancy as Senator Chambers desires.

I wish I had a neat little packaged answer, but I fear in this area we are going to be governed by a principle laid out pretty clearly by Senator Arnie Stuthman,

“I felt I was sacrificing, but I thought if we could save just one baby, it would be worth it,” he said. “I think people felt they did not want to see another youngster dropped off in a Dumpster.”  Ibid.

If we could save just one baby…

In exchange we leave families in crisis situations to walk away from their children without any of the underlying problems addressed.  Families which might have been preserved if our state focused on helping families identify community resources set up to provide support, counseling, respite or whatever other needs these families have.  And families which will continue to struggle because you may be able to physically walk away from your child, but the emotional and spiritual toll of such an act cannot so simply be dropped off at your local hospital.

Of the 35 children dropped off since the law was passed, not one was an infant.  But I think perhaps we prefer to simply change the law and pretend that those other families were anomalies rather than a warning of some serious social problems affecting families today.

Hat Tip: NCCPR

Nebraska safe haven law safe haven child abuse

Also, the Carnival of Homeschooling is posted over at Why Homeschool.

Last but not least, some of you may have noticed that there was no Home School Talk on Monday and I removed the button from my sidebar.  I don’t know exactly why, but last week’s sound issues were sort of the last straw for me.  I haven’t exactly canceled the show, but am deciding how I want to proceed.  I really enjoy doing the interviews, and may see if I can put together a recording a month.

Hat Tip: A Dad First (actually via his “tweets.”)

“Maybe we should home-school him,” I tell Posh after the first week.

“Spl-WHATTTTT?!!!” Posh says, doing a spit-take with her first mimosa of the day.

And that was hilarious.  For those of you who are new here, or have perhaps forgotten, I’ll share my favorite homeschool criticism of all time.

You people don’t know like you know how to have fun. How sad? No mamoosas with the other moms while the kids are out at school.  Structure and Learning in the Homeschool Environment (comment #27)

‘Cause moms just wanna have fun.  And you can’t do that without a Mimosa or two, I guess.  Maybe that is why Crimson Wife went ahead and made us one.

And for those of you who seriously are looking for a “better way,” I’ll be interviewing Kelly Curtis about her book Empowering Youth today on Home School Talk.  Tune in a 1PM CST, or listen to the archive which will be available shortly after the broadcast from the same link.

kids teenager parenting education homeschool youth empowerment

At least 82 youths have died from the so-called “choking game,” according to the first government count of fatalities from the tragic fad. CBS News

What is the “choking game?” Essentially, a game in which adolescents strangle themselves to experience the resulting giddiness associated with the sudden return of blood flow. Eighty two deaths may not sound like that many over the course of the year, but statistics on this activity are difficult to compile. Some studies suggest that the practice is a little more common than we might like to admit.

As many as 20 percent of teens and preteens play the game, sometimes in groups, according to some estimates based on a few local studies. But nearly all the deaths were youths who played alone, according to the count complied by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Ibid.

A danger of the public schools? Too much socialization? MomLogic received a response to the reporting of this topic that hits a little closer to home.

Thank you so much for posting this and informing parents. December 11th marked three years since the death of our 16-year-old son from this “game.” We homeschool our children and you’d think our son would have been somewhat sheltered from knowing about this, but he still found out, “played” and died. His two younger brothers found him, which has been a difficult time of healing for them. Talk to your kids about this just as you would drugs, sex, strangers, etc. It’s my daily prayer that my son’s death will help save other kids’ lives. MomLogic

I can’t imagine. A little digging uncovered Loni’s blog, and the story of her son Matthew. His story is not any more tragic because he came from a loving family, a homeschooling family, a Christian family than it would be if he came from any other kind of family. But it makes it seem more threatening, at least to me. This story brings with it evidence that there is no full-proof way to protect our children from the evils of the world.

And there are some things we just do not talk about.

When I first heard of the “choking game,” I actually thought it was referring to something else. Something I first heard about while working with children who were wards of the state. Something that I am even more reluctant to discuss in detail, but it is mentioned in the CBS article which gives some inaccurate information.

Autoerotic asphyxiation does not involve predominantly adult males. Consider the following:

• AEA is most commonly seen in males, ages 13-20.
• Adolescent victims are usually well-adjusted, non-depressed high achievers.
• AEA deaths may account for as many as 6.5% of all teenage suicide, and at least 31% of all adolescent hangings.

From: When Self-Pleasuring Becomes Self-Destruction (pdf)

Well-adjusted, teenage boys. It is a frightening thought, one that I as an adult cannot quite come to terms with. Just how do you breech such a topic with a child? Unfortunately, it may be all too necessary to figure out how…especially since silence may be deadly.

More information: GASP, Games Adolescents Shouldn’t Play, Still Loving My Gabriel.

_____

For something a little more upbeat, see how to show children love with a lump of coal.

Or visit the Carnival of Libertarians hosted at Consent of the Governed.

[tags]homeschooling, parenting, choking game[/tags]

It’s possible that in the near future, the United States may significantly weaken the rights of parents to raise their children. Crucial decisions that parents are accustomed to making, such as what our children read, who they associate with, what kind of discipline is used, whether we take them to church, or whether we home-school, all become decisions for the state if the United States ratifies the U.N. Convention on the Rights of the Child (UNCRC). Washington Times

The UNCRC was signed by President Clinton, but has never come before the Senate for ratification. Particularly if Hillary Clinton wins the election, it is feared that the treaty will finally be ratified, becoming the law of the land. The solution, at least according to Michael Smith, is to sign the petition offered by ParentalRights.org. Coincidentally presided over by Michael Farris, the Chairman of HSLDA.

This issue is a difficult one for me, because I find within myself two opposing view points. I am leery of amendments. Regardless of their wording and intended purpose.

The original intent of the Constitution of the United States was to limit the power of the central government. The rights of the people were considered God-given and unalienable. We have drifted far from that vision, and some of our founders saw this inevitable slide even in the arguments for the inclusion of the Bill of Rights. The entirety of Federalist Number 84 by Alexander Hamilton makes for excellent reading on the topic, but the core of the concern is this:

I go further, and affirm that bills of rights, in the sense and in the extent in which they are contended for, are not only unnecessary in the proposed constitution, but would even be dangerous. They would contain various exceptions to powers which are not granted; and on this very account, would afford a colourable pretext to claim more than were generated. For why declare that things shall not be done which there is no power to do? Why for instance, should it be said, that the liberty of the press shall not be restrained, when no power is given by which restrictions may be imposed? I will not contend that such a provision would confer a regulating power; but it is evident that it would furnish, to men disposed to usurp, a plausible pretence for claiming that power. Federalist 84

The Parental Rights Amendment acts as an exception to a power not given to the government to preside over. The central problem that the amendment attempts to redress is not a problem with the Constitution, but a problem with how we have come to view government.

A number of cases are cited by the organization which paint a pretty dire picture for the status of parental rights, at least at the hands of some judges. I do not know any details other than what is presented in the article on the website, but it seems to me that the core issue is not that parental rights are not spelled out clearly enough. It is that the judiciary has begun to stray from the basic concept of the Constitution as an inherently limiting document.

That will not be solved through an amendment. Look at what a New Jersey Superior Court did with the New Jersey homeschooling law. Thankfully, they had no power to mandate anything in their odd opinion, but it clearly demonstrates that law alone will not guarantee that judges rule according to it.

Then there is the issue brought up by Smith in his article: the UNCRC. I’ve talked about it before…before I even had any readers, it looks like. And my opinion is still pretty much the same, strengthened perhaps by the fact that a UN special rappateur recommended that Germany allow homeschooling under the supervision of the state.

But doesn’t it make more sense that to protect ourselves from this treaty, we should simply not sign it? If we can garner enough support in the House and Senate to pass an amendment to the Constitution, shouldn’t we be able to also stop the treaty?

But then, there is the pragmatic side of me. The side that realizes that our judiciary is what it is. And that it is probably difficult for a senator to vote against “the rights of children,” regardless of what the document actually contains. An amendment may not offer much protection, but it offers something.

____

A Woman on Purpose shares some more thoughts on the possibility of a parental rights amendment.   And I have a rare follow-up post, possibly to be ready tonight (1/22/08).

[tags]homeschool, homeschooling, CRC, UNCRC, UN, parental rights[/tags]

OLDS 1999 Intrigue. Totally uncool parents who obviously don’t love teenage son, selling his car. Only driven for three weeks before snoopy mom who needs to get a life found booze under front seat. $3,700/offer. Call meanest mom on the planet. AP

But now she is the coolest. Not only did a bunch of bloggers find her parenting style refreshing and inspiring. So did a local DJ, and collection of callers, and some television studios.

Sold! Hambleton, a radio DJ in Fort Dodge, Iowa, received some 70 calls from buyers. And other parents. And emergency room workers. And school counselors. And scores of others wanting to congratulate her for being so Dirty Harry awesome. Washington Post

Dirty Harry awesome about sums it up. Who would have thought that alcohol under your seat would score you a spot on Good Morning America? And invitations to Today, Oprah and Ellen’s show? All wanting exclusivity, so while they sort it out, we can revel in the nation’s appreciation for a mom who sticks by the rules she laid out for her son. I agree with Washington Post staff writer Monica Hesse on this one:

All of which proved one thing [referring to the the tv bookings]: America needed this. Oh boy, did we need this kind of tough love, the kind that says, “I am not your friend. I am your mother. Eat your peas. Now.”

The kind that says, “I don’t care what the other mothers are doing. I am not buying a pony keg for your party, even if I take away the keys to make sure your friends don’t drive home plastered.” Ibid.

So, mean mom, you are cool. And I am happy your son has recognized that you are not the only mom on the planet who thinks so.

Question: Barb from Barb the Evil Genius asks an important question:

While not disagreeing that Mean Moms are good, most of the commenters on the blog where I first read about this ad agreed that Mom was a little out of bounds literally publishing the son’s transgression to the world. What do you think?

Reading this ad published in several papers and shared on several blogs, we are somewhat removed from the situation. We do not know this young man nor his mother, but those in his community do. I know some people are very public about their children’s misbehavior, posting it to blogs, forums and discussing it with friends. Others keep that private.

What do you think, either in relation to this case or in general?

[tags]parenting, meanest mom[/tags]

Don’t worry about genius and don’t worry about not being clever. Trust rather to hard work, perseverance, and determination. The best motto for a long march is “Don’t grumble. Plug on.”

You hold your future in your own hands. Never waver in this belief. Don’t swagger. The boy who swaggers–like the man who swaggers–has little else that he can do. e is a cheap-Jack crying his own paltry wares. It is the empty tin that rattles most. Be honest. Be loyal. Be kind. Remember that the hardest thing to acquire is the faculty of being unselfish. As a quality it is one of the finest attributes of manliness.

Love the sea, the ringing beach and the open downs.

Keep clean, body and mind. (Quoted from The Dangerous Book for Boys, By Conn and Hal Iggulden, p. v)

This began as yet another review/recommendation for The Dangerous Book for Boys. But as I thought about what I wanted to say, I realized that more interesting than the book itself was its uncanny popularity. For a book that is no more than a compendium of card games, coin tricks, small projects, stories of battles and biographical sketches to hit the top of bookselling lists in two countries (outsold only by Harry Potter in its first week here in the US!) is an amazing feat for any book.

It is well written. It is full of useful information. Most of all, however, it struck the heart of a need that has long been ignored in English-speaking literature. What do we have that encourages boys to grow up to be young men? We have, in some instances, been so interested in encouraging our girls that they could grow up to do anything and be anything that we have forgotten about our young men in the process. As a child, I remember singing along with a little girl in an animated sketch as she taunted her older brother,

Anything you can do, I can do better.

Anything I can do is better than you.

And I dare say that this mentality is not unique to whatever program it was that I was watching. I do not watch much television, not receiving any actual channels, but when I do I am often surprised at the incessant characterization of men as bumbling fools in need of their wives/girlfriends to keep order in their lives.

What have we given our young men to aspire to?

And in case you just have to hear that song again, here it is.

[tags]parenting, boys, Dangerous Book for Boys[/tags]

1. Copy the public schools.

Buy desks, set them up in neat rows facing the front of the room and invest in a pointer. Even if you have only one child, make him raise his hand to answer questions. Schedule restroom breaks. Let the clock dictate your every move. Giving a toddler a megaphone is a good stand in for a disruptive PA system.

2. Choose your curriculum based on what everyone in your homeschool group is using.

Better yet, find a stranger online and ask her. Don’t consider your temperament or your child’s interests. After all, these other people have way more experience than you. Remind yourself of that continually when things are not going well.

3. Contact every curriculum publisher.

Make sure they have your correct address and get on as many mailing lists as possible. When you first get those glossy catalogs, you will think that this is having the opposite effect than what is intended here. The texture, the smell and all the neat stuff! But then you realize just how much stuff is out there. And how much stuff you do not have. There is always one more book and one more manipulative set to squeeze out of any budget. After all, you only have one chance to educate your children properly. Never let yourself become content with what you already have.

4. Make a clear distinction between school and life.

Do not consider the educational value of trips to the zoo, visits with grandparents and vacations. The more narrowly you define education, the more likely you are to avoid spontaneous “experiences” in favor of “the book.” This also helps maximize the stress of wondering if you are doing enough.

5. Take everything personally.

Everyone has a bad day now and again. Even children. Use this to its fullest potential by taking these opportunities to question your parenting. When your child says, “This is boring,” consider it a direct reflection on your character and personality. Think what it will be like when they talk to their bosses that way. Wonder what your homeschooling friends would say. Most importantly, try to isolate where you have gone wrong as a parent and fret over the permanent damage you must have caused.

This is intended only as a cursory introduction to maintaining general unhappiness in your homeschool. There are many other proven techniques for making yourself miserable and they all progress rather naturally to making those around you unhappy as well. For those of you who are more seasoned, or have just caught on quickly to the art of creating unhappiness, please feel free to add your own suggestions. I will add links to anyone who shares a proven technique for increasing the level of unhappiness in our homes. Even if it is not specific to homeschooling.

Misery loves company.

Two bloggers are so on top of things, they wrote their posts before me:

Yvonne of Grow Your Writing Business shares insight into how to kill your blog. (I’ll be adding my own thoughts to the meme this weekend.)

Denise of Freelancing Journey lets you in on the secrets of failing at business.

homeschooling, humor